5 effective steps to losing a customer
We here at Phizr-Mannon-Cybnot-Enrom: Food Services and Animal Waste Removal Division, know the value of customer turnover. We have put these steps together to ensure a customer’s lasting and distasteful view of our brand.

5 effective steps to losing a customer - a satire cautionary tale

We here at Phizr-Mannon-Cybnot-Enrom: Food Services and Animal Waste Removal Division, FSAWRD, know the value of customer turnover. We have put these steps together to ensure a customer’s lasting and distasteful view of our brand.

Studies have shown an 89% adoption rate of customer abandonment which is a 46% increase from the previous quarterly reports. Be aware that there is still a 68% apathy return rate after a 6-month separation. Generally, we have found that no matter how effective this technique is applied, some customers still return due to, “Pizza fatigue syndrome*”. A consistent use of this technique must be applied at every customer contact to ensure maximum egress.

Step 1: Order taking - Making a first impression the worst impression

There are effective ways for taking an order incorrectly. This is an essential first step, be sure to place the customer on hold multiple times without asking throughout the order process to ensure errors. Don't forget to speak in a disinterested and muffled voice. Take time to practice mumbling.

  • We suggest hiring males over females as preteen males have the least amount of charisma and problem-solving ability ~ see step 3

Step 2: A little mistake can make a big deal

This is easier than it seems. But here are some examples of how to accomplish maximum irritation. Use drivers that are careless, have them crush the food so that it is mostly stuck to the sides of the container. Temperature is also important. If it needs to be hot be sure to take time for the item to become tepid. If the item is supposed to be cold, a few extra minutes in a hot car will make the difference. Of course the easiest answer is to simply deliver someone else's order. While this is always an effective irritant, try and switch up your techniques to ensure best results. Pay special attention to requested extras and sauces. The more consistently you ignore the more effective you will be at angering the customer. Every little bit helps.

Step 3: Hire tweens as management

To minimize your overhead be sure to hire children as young as possible. Put them in management roles. The younger they are the less you are required to compensate them.

SPECIAL TIP: If you skip training staff you will save additional costs. Be careful within the hiring process. While this cannot be policy we suggest, hiring males over females, as preteen males have the least amount of charisma and problem-solving ability. By hiring a female preteen, you may inadvertently end up with a well-spoken problem solver who will present much older. This could be disastrous as they could diffuse a volatile situation and jeopardize an otherwise perfect customer loss.

Step 4: Blame game

Remember to execute this step correctly you must ensure the order is completely wrong, at least 4 errors minimum. ~ see step 2. Hopefully, if you’ve followed the previous steps correctly, you will have an irate call incoming from the customer. This is an opportunity where your first responders, ~see step 1, can drive up the irritation level before the hand off to management. If you follow our provided script for escalation #3471a  A manager should adopt an indignant tone that include phrases like, "We sent the right thing" and "Nah we sent it right". Improvise. But be sure to deliver these lines with that disgruntled attitude!

Remember Phizr-Mannon-Cybnot-Enrom: Food Services and Animal Waste Removal Division, FSAWRD‘s motto! , “There are always other customers. NEXT!”

Step 5: Follow through

To ensure the customer will not return be sure not to offer a refund on the spot. Instead, always offer to resend the order. Repetition is the key. This is an excellent way to start the process over. Be sure to repeat steps 1 through 4. If by some chance a second or third attempt is necessary, simply increase delivery time.

IMPORTANT NOTE: A perfect finish to the customer experience is to demand the incorrect order is returned 'untouched'. If challenged, use script response #8b4f, ”it’s policy”. This response alone is an exceptional technique to close the client relationship.

Be sure to insinuate that the customer is trying to get free food and/or ‘get away with something’. Making a customer wait for an additional hour with partially edible food within reach can increase rage considerably. Families with children are especially susceptible to this technique.

Any helpful or human connection with the client at any part of the process could potentially retain the customer. Stay the course, use rudeness, be stingy and follow these steps to ensure customer loss!

*Pizza fatigue syndrome ~ The phenomenon where the consumer will eventually and hopelessly return to a previously despised restaurant or establishment as all other business choices have been exhausted.

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Frank Orlando

A senior communications professional with three decades of client experience. An instructor at Nova Scotia College of Art and Design University and lecturer of communication design, technology and illustration. Principal of Orlando Media Company, a creative practice providing strategic direction, creative vision, and human focused branding.